Fuck You Bears, I Won

From June 2nd, 2010

I ate a strict vegetarian diet for two months straight, until my birthday when I treated myself to a 6 oz. piece of Norwegian farm raised salmon. It was good. But eating it, I wondered, what does the bear eat? This is not the salmon a wild thing would munch upon. I want bear food! I want my salmon straight from the river! I could see the bear, laughing at me, eating his delicious river salmon. Mocking me as he picked all-natural bones from his teeth. So the next afternoon I stormed back into the grocery store raising hell about how farm raised salmon is fed corn and chemicals and antibiotics and I demanded that there be the freshest of fresh bear food available at all grocery stores! When I calmed down the kind fishmonger politely smiled and pointed down at the display case and sure enough there it was. Alaskan wild caught salmon, the sign read, we scare the bears away so you don’t have to. So I bought some, nine dollars for eight ounces, nine dollars! I’m going to get you bears, I thought to myself. But I gotta say, it was good. Real good. And I smiled as I ate at my dining room table, surrounded by trees with the sound of the river. Fuck you bears. I won.


One thought on “Fuck You Bears, I Won

  1. This is by far the funniest (bear food) post I have ever read in the past four minutes. I stumbled up your tree from readicculusradio, and am delighted by your words and art. I’ve dabbled in fishmongery (Montana) and Phish (93-95) and I miss the existentialism out of Chicago, as IL is my dear home cornfield.

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